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Subject: Fw: Barbie

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95

and

Divorced Barbie: $299.95"

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend..."

The Eye -- Click On Me

ABOUT WINDERS 2006

Just pokin' a little fun atcha, y'all!

CHOCOLATE




DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!






It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun!






1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)















2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)















3. Add 5















4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator














5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .....
If you haven't, add 1755.[/b]















6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.















You should have a three digit number
















The first digit of this was the number of times you really want to eat Chocolate
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).















The next two numbers are...




















YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)









THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

WORK VS. PRISON

IN PRISON - You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK - You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON - You get three meals a day.
AT WORK - You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON - You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK - You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON - A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK - You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON - You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK - You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

(This is for you, claired! and for any other fellow Scots or Scots derivatives out there!)

I dinna play piano, accordion or tuba.
I ne'er been to an opera or ballet.
I canna tell the difference between soprano an' baritone.
I dinna ken any Alisdair, Malcolm or Hamish, tho I'm sure they are fine musicians
Single malt is jus' fine fer brekkie, or just about any other time.
2/4, 6/8 an' 12/8 are nae hockey scores.
My alarm clock starts off with two drum rolls.
Jig an' reel have nothin' da do with fishin'.
A strathspey has more life in it than the one you were out with last night.
I don't need any amplifier, fuzz box or mixer.
There are two volume settings on my pipe - on and off!
I play for me, and anyone within a mile of ground zero.
My entire vocabulary is comprised of G,A,B,D,D,E,F, g and a.
I doona crush my doublings, an' I really throw my D's.
My name is Rick, and I'm a Piper.

And there are more......

Q. Why do pipers have such large families?
A. Their wives will do ANYTHING to get them to stop playing.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a piper and a mutual fund?
A. The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Q. How do you get a dozen bagpipers to play in tune?
A-1 - Shoot 11 of them.
A-2 - Shoot all of them.
A-3 - Who the hell wants a dozen bagpipers?

Q. How do you get a piper out of a tree?
A. Cut the noose.

Q. Why did God give pipers 2% more brain than horses?
A. Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q. What do in-tune pipers and UFO's have in common?
A. I keep hearing about them but never see any.

Q. What do you call a basement full of practice chanters?
A. A whine cellar.

Q. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A. Put it in a bagpipe case.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A. A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

---

(And hey! I'm just kidding 'cause I love the bagpipes! - Really!)

1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
3. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
5. You can open all your own jars.
6. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
7. When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
8. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.
9. You can go to the bathroom alone.
10. Your last name stays put.
11. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
12. You can kill your own food.
13. The garage is all yours.
14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
15. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
16. You never have to clean the toilet.
17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
18. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
20. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
21. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
22. You don't have to shave below your neck.
23. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
24. If you're 34 and single, no one notices.
25. Chocolate is just another snack.
26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
27. Flowers fix Everything.
28. You never have to worry about other's feelings.
29. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
30. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
31. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
32. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
33. You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
34. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me."
35. One mood, all the time.
36. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
37. Same work ....... more pay.
38. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
39. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks.
40. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back.
41. You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.
42. If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
43. The remote is yours and yours alone.
44. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.
45. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
46. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
47. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
48. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
49. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
50. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.